Every four years, a peculiar phenomenon descends upon the world, bringing with it a wave of sparkly spandex and feats of human flexibility that leave most of us feeling like uncoordinated blobs. Yes, it’s the Olympics, and it’s time for another round of gymnastics. If the mere thought of watching grown adults contort themselves into pretzels fills you with dread, fear not, my fellow non-bendy brethren. This guide is for you.
Phase 1: Feigned Enthusiasm
The key here is to appear genuinely interested, without actually having to understand anything about the sport.
- Vocabulary: Memorize a few key terms like “Yurchenko,” “Amanar,” and “stuck the landing.” Sprinkle them liberally into conversation.
- Exclamations: Gasp dramatically at seemingly random moments, exclaim “Wow!” or “Incredible!” Bonus points for throwing in a “Did you see that?”
- Nodding: Nod approvingly at the screen, even if you have no idea what’s happening. A furrowed brow can add an air of thoughtful contemplation.
Phase 2: Strategic Distraction
This phase involves diverting attention away from the gymnastics and towards topics more aligned with your interests.
- Snack Preparation: Offer to replenish the chip bowl or fetch another round of beverages. This buys you valuable time away from the screen.
- Phone Usage: Discreetly check the scores of the game you definitely didn’t bet on, or maybe just browse those hilarious memes your buddies keep sending. Remember, the key is to look engaged while mentally escaping. Just be sure to look up occasionally and offer a noncommittal “Hmm, interesting.”
- Conversation Starters: Initiate discussions on unrelated topics, such as the upcoming football season, your golf game, or the volatility in the stock market.
Phase 3: The Artful Exit
As the gymnastics competition drags on, it’s crucial to make a graceful exit without arousing suspicion.
- Yawn Strategically: A well-timed yawn can signal fatigue and provide a plausible excuse to retire for the evening.
- Blame the Dog: If you have a pet, express concern about their need for a walk or a bathroom break.
- Feigned Work Emergency: Mention a pressing work email that requires your immediate attention. This works best if your job involves anything remotely technical.
Bonus Tip: If all else fails, simply fall asleep on the couch. This is a foolproof method, as it conveys both boredom and exhaustion, absolving you of any responsibility for not engaging with the gymnastics.
Remember, gentlemen, this is a marathon, not a sprint. With a little effort and a lot of pretending, you can survive the Olympics gymnastics onslaught and emerge victorious.
